The Little Blue Tractor- A Mother's Investment

About a week ago, the kids and I met my in-laws out on a ranch in Brownwood where my father in law, Jake,  was doing some remodeling work. We went for a few days in order to roam the wide open spaces and get away from our normal routine. One morning, the kids and I accompanied Jake on a rugged ATV ride through the property. We fed the grazing cattle, bobbled slowly on the downhill slopes, and climbed up a few steep pathways for some sweet scenic views of the hills and ledges surrounding us. 

On the smoothest part of the ride, we rode through one of the few areas of pasture on the back end of the property. I was finally able to relax and let go of the tight clutch I had on my toddler who was in the front seat with me. I noticed a lot more then. We drove through a little opening in the fence and I peered along the fenceline. Off in the distance, I could see a little blue tractor. Jake mentioned that the last owner of the ranch had left it behind after it had gotten stuck and broke down some time ago. Apparently, he needed to do some work on it, but it wasn’t worth his time. So he just left it. It’s sat there ever since.  

Now, I know nothing about fixing a tractor. Yet, upon hearing the back story about Little Blue, a deeper story struck my spirit. Sometimes I feel like all I do is make something out of nothing, and that I’m somewhat reaching, but lately I’ve felt like God is wanting me to reach. He’s asking me to keep my eyes open wide to see the little nuggets that He’s hidden all around me. Just as the friends of Jesus learned on the Road to Emmaus, He could be right there and you’d never know it! 

I’ve learned that when I do ask God to open my eyes and ears to better hear and see Him moving, I start to feel deeply about a lot of things. And in that particular moment, I felt sad for the tractor. I really did. 

The life of a follower of Jesus Christ is much like the ranch. There are seasons when we get caught in the thick brush, we bobble down rugged slopes, and with a slow crawl, we may even see the beauty of Heaven laid before us over a hilltop view. I’m most concerned, in this scenario, with what happens when we’re cruising through green pastures. Are we aware of the little blue tractors caught in the thicket? Are we leaving behind those with the greatest potential because we see them as the greatest problem? Are we making the time to invest in the broken things around us? I imagine what would happen if they got that tractor back up and running just like I imagine what would happen if the people of God invested the goodness of His love into what’s broken around them. People would be set free. Land would be plowed, leaving behind a wider path for more to follow. 

Remember this, friends:

You were once lost, and now you are found. 

Once blind and now you see. 

Amazing grace has rescued you, 

Who else needs rescuing? 

This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I am reminded of the investments made in my life by so many mother figures. It is a mother’s job to invest. It’s our job to fix, whether we have the tools or not. It doesn’t matter the terrain in that particular season of life. We have to stop. We have to make the time. Oftentimes we feel like a ranch hand in our own right—bringing life into the world, overseeing the growth of that life, and working alongside the creation to grow into a deeper love for the Creator. 

I first learned to love the name of Jesus from my Mother’s lips as she sang “Jesus Loves Me.” The time she invested, along with the “blood, sweat and tears” while speaking the name of Jesus over my life— it’s the reason that I know where to find Him. Right there in my brokenness. In seasons where I’ve been caught in a thick mess, no hope for a way out, my Momma was praying the name of Jesus over me. She knew then what I know now:  that Jesus has the power to pull the immovable out of their entanglements. 

So, in the same way that I wouldn’t even know where to begin to bring life back to that little blue tractor, you can’t always fix the broken things that you find—but trust me; you know a guy. 😉 

Happy Mother’s Day

Love, Kari 

Do You Know the Ending?

When I was in college, I went to my friend Kristine’s house for dinner with her family. Following dinner, they asked if I’d be interested in joining them for a family movie night. The film was Amelia. A biopic of Amelia Earhart starring Hillary Swank. 

For the most part, I remember it being very light-hearted and endearing, lacking the dramatic flair that I am typically drawn to in a film. That is, until the end. 

In the final scenes of the movie, Earhart is trying to make contact over the radio without any success. Unbeknownst to her, the signal is getting through to the intended party but there is a thick overcast which prohibits her from seeing their smoke signals. The movie ends with a voice-over, sad overlay of music, and her husband standing on the shoreline looking out toward the ocean and sky… waiting for her to fly back to him. 

This is the part where I groaned, discouraged. “Oh man. Wow. What a twist.” 

Suddenly, the eyes of the living room turned around and looked strangely at me. I thought to myself, Terrible timing, Kari. Let these people watch the movie without you interjecting every 5 minutes!

Kristine spoke first. “Wait. What do you mean? What twist?” she snickered.

“Well, I just didn’t see that coming,” I commented. “She died without having finished what she really set out to do. That’s just so sad!” I couldn’t quite convey what I was feeling. That ending just seemed way too abrupt to me.  

It became obvious to me that I was on the outside of some weird inside joke. Soon every member of her family was holding back laughter. These incredibly polite people just could not help themselves! 

What?! I thought. What is so funny?!  

Apparently I was the only one who slept through history class and completely missed the part about Amelia Earhart dying while trying to circumnavigate the globe, being lost at sea over the Pacific Ocean, and all of the conspiracy theories that claim she’s still alive somewhere hanging out in hiding with Elvis Presley. 

Not knowing the ending of that story, I watched the entire movie with this hopeful optimism for our underdog, Amelia. So of course it came as a crushing blow to find out that the movie’s heroine dies mid-flight! 

Fast forward to a few nights ago. I’m watching yet another biopic on the budding friendship of country legends Loretta Lynn and Patsy Cline. The movie highlights Cline and Lynn’s start of career, flaws within their marriages and parenting, along with the difficulties faced being women in a predominantly male industry. 

This time, I had the foreknowledge that Patsy Cline died early on in her career. In a plane accident, mind you. So I’m watching this movie with such sorrow in my heart, knowing full well that this story doesn’t have a Hallmark ending. I couldn’t commit to being emotionally present in the plot because my heart was being guarded by the inevitable.

I started to think back on that time I made a fool of myself while watching Amelia at the Malones’ house over a decade ago and I made some connections. 

In my life as a believer in Christ Jesus, which ending am I more aware of? Am I walking around with the foreknowledge that Christ died, or am I walking into each moment knowing that He has Risen? Both are true. While one might compel me to live a life of gratitude, the other draws me into life everlasting and empowers me to step out triumphantly into each day as Jesus did that Palm Sunday some 2,000 years ago. 

We have the best story to tell. We have the best news. People all over our community are living life thinking that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. No hope for the dark days they find themselves in. We have the foreknowledge of a living hope and His name is Jesus! Emmanuel! Savior of the World! Hosanna in the Highest!

This week, you have the juiciest spoiler alert for saints and sinners alike. When we walk through these stories–Palm Sunday, The Last Supper, Maundy Thursday, and Good Friday– bear in mind the final scenes of God’s story… our story.

See, the ending to our story is that there is no ending. 

In Him we have eternal hope and glory, boundless blessings, abiding grace, unrelenting love, an unbreakable covenant, and a love without end. 

I pray this over you today as we step into Holy Week. May you walk in its truth. 

-Kari 

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you.”

- 1 Peter 1:3-4 

 

Turn Out of the Cul-de-sac

 The success of my faith does not rely on me. I am merely the successor to a sustainable God who always succeeds and claims Victory in all things. The sooner I realize this, the sooner I stop the cycle of thinking that a successful God is disappointed in my failures. 

Failing is all I feel I do some days. From simple acts of forgetfulness to catastrophic lapses in judgment. I find myself trapped in this cycle. 

My  journey with Jesus enters into this weird cul-de-sac again, and even though I know I can get back out, I’m just kind of tired of being here again! Can I get an amen? 

This Season of Lent may have you struggling with these same thoughts. Perhaps you’ve decided to be more diligent with an area of your life only to find that you dropped the ball in the FIRST WEEK. Why is that? What is happening? How do we get out of this funk? 

I’ve thought a lot about this and I believe it boils down to a matter of perspective. 

I believe that some of us have a picture of a God that stands at the altar and accepts our praise, our confession, and our heart-felt offerings. He stands there and is pleased with us. He stands there and comforts us. But He just stands there. 

We need to instead envision the true nature of God. Because the truth is this: 

He didn’t stay in the Sanctuary that Wednesday afternoon. 
He didn’t call it a night after Pastor David gave the benediction.
He went home with each and everyone of us. 
He had breakfast with us the next morning. 
He heard and saw everything we did to please Him in and out of our homes. 
On our drive to work, 
Standing in line with us at the grocery store,
Walking with us each and every step of the way as we worked toward living a holy and pleasing life for Him. Never far from Him. 

He never doubts that He will be successful in His pursuit of us. Let not the enemy have us believing the lie that we are unsuccessful in our pursuit of Him. 

Jess Connolly puts it plainly in her book entitled Dance, Stand, Run. 

"I need not be working to become a better person…I merely need to agree , or become who God has already made me to be.” She adds “He does the heavy lifting (by sending Jesus and offering us grace) and we do the agreeing- with our lives, our days, our spare time, our decisions, our relationships…The incredible act of being holy, for us, is one of acknowledgment and confirmation."

Today friends, I pray that you stop working so hard to do something that has already been done for you. Step into agreement with God’s Spirit working within you, acknowledge the work of Jesus in your life, and see Him sitting right across the room from you. Beside you at your desk, sitting on the floor as you work through your third basket of laundry, perched on a stool at your Kitchen counter. Wherever work is being done, He is there. He knows the difficulties we face in our pursuit to obey. Our High Priest, our ManGod, our Savior and Friend, says to you, “Hey, you. I’m here and I love you. Look no further. I am not far. Let me be your strength. Let me breathe into you a fresh start. I’m your confidant, your confidence, and comfort. I am with you and for you.” 

Take heart. He has overcome the world, and all the shortcomings you’ll face in this Lenten Season. Regardless of what you’ve sacrificed for Lent, be reminded that our greatest act ought to be leaning into Jesus. Have you lent Him your efforts? Have you asked Him to partner with you in your pursuit?

Let’s start today. Turn out of the cul-de-sac with me, wave “Hi” to me on the road. Encourage one another on the way. Accept the grace of God in your life:)

Your sister in Christ, 

                        Kari Banks 

Cultivating Through Cheap Shots: The Covid-Hack Debacle of 2021

"Welcome to the thick of it, where it’s beautiful and messy and fueled by grace. A flourishing life is possible, no perfection required. In  fact, it’s in the imperfect- the dirt- where good things grow."

- Lara Casey, Cultivate

The end of 2021 carried with it many cheap shots and frustrating circumstances. Apart from getting Covid the week of Christmas, my Facebook account was hacked beyond recovery. This week of rest quickly became a week of testing as I struggled to sleep through the night, aiding a sleep-digressing 2 year old and my own ailing sinus pressure. I could just cry from the weight of it all, and I often did. The only thing fueling me each and every morning was coffee and the hope of cultivating something new for my life. 

I started reading the book Cultivate by Lara Casey with my friend Alicia back in November. She and I met on a women’s campout and became instant friends. Perhaps the last instant gratification of the year, honestly. Since starting the book, we have encouraged one another to slow down, grow good things, and step into a more intentional life (as described in the book). There wasn’t a specific plan in place, just yet- but the plan was to follow Jesus and trust him whole-heartedly with our marriages, our children, our dreams, and our mess. My favorite face-time comment Alicia made about the message of the book was “ We don’t grow a thing! God grows it all, ya know? I’m a friggin’ sinner!” It wasn’t shameful to admit our faults to one another. These realizations became anthems we would carry with us into our workplace and household. And it was in this tilling of the soil that groundbreaking work began for me. Work that would help me to persevere through what December would bring. 

If we make it through December, we’ll be fine.- Merle Haggard

In my conversations and multiple confessions to Alicia, here are the things I desired to cultivate most: 

1. Reading the word of God more intentionally
2. Prayer and Meditation
3. The relationship between children 
4. My relationship with my husband

Now, consider the frustrational end of my 2021. Can you just look and see what God did? 

I had all the time in the world to read my bible now that I couldn’t go anywhere or get on Facebook! While I was up every hour of the night with my son, I had infinite opportunities to pray over him and our family. The bond between my kids grew as playdates and outings ceased. Having Jared home to talk with, talk movies with, and just hold for a little longer became such precious time to reflect on all that God had given us. Yes, the end of this year carried with it many cheap shots and frustrating circumstances, but because of the work He was already doing in my heart, I was able to become more diligent in cultivating change in these areas of my life.

Hear me on this. God is in the business of putting you exactly where you long to be. 

Never in a million years would I have ever wanted to be off of social media. I’m not proud to say this but it seriously would have taken an army to get me off of it. So he sent a hacker. They went into my account, changed my password, my email, rerouted things in a way that I couldn’t even get it back through the proper channels recommended to me by every Facebook help site. Nothing in my adult life has been more violating or visionary than the undoubtedly horrific toll this took on me. To see my page reappear, not have access to it, and to be able to do nothing about it? Not even to delete it? I hate the way this makes me feel, to be essentially kicked out of what I’ve built for the last decade or more. Poof. All gone. Digital doom. I had built a castle on sand. It was a wake-up call. 

I will never put myself in a point of vulnerability with anything other than the Almighty like this ever again. I want to give the in and outs of my life solely to Him. I want my total trust, my highest praise, and all of my reaching to stretch toward Him. 

So blessed to serve a God who would be willing to disappoint me in order to deliver me. 

In hopes of getting the other one reported and deleted, I decided to create another Facebook account. As I type this to you, the heart change I feel is indescribable. You’re reading words from a person that is approval-seeking, who struggles to combat her slightly addictive personality, and she’s upset that she has to be on Facebook. I maybe get on it a few times a day to see if someone found a way to successfully report my old account as being hacked. I have some friends and family on there but it’s mainly just to check in every once in a while. I  have confidence that it will not consume me, and you know why? Because I’ve been captivated by much more appealing things. 

A note from my 4 year old daughter that say “I love win you play PJ Masks wiff me.” 

Puzzles with my toddler who laughs when I say circle or truck with my “teacher voice”.  

My husband laughing in the living room because our son is toting the entirety of his bedding up and down the stairs for the fourth time that day. 

Holding hands on the couch because we have nowhere else we’d rather be. 

And waking up early to find this nugget of wisdom tucked away in the first chapter of James: 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4 

I believe that steadfastness is beginning to have it’s full effect in the Banks household. Gosh, I sure do feel complete. My standing opinion is that everything seems to be perfectly imperfect, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have all I’ll ever need. That, my friends, is what the Lord has done. My earnest prayer is that He may have His full effect in your life today. 

Pray

All we've ever needed is You, God. All of the approval. All of the attention. All of the success. All of the comfort. It's always been in You. We pray that you create more space in the new year for us to draw nearer to You. Do away with the things that aren't pointing us to You, Jesus. Turn down the volume on the world, shoulder the burdens of our addictions, and sit with us in the silence as we seek Your face. Let us see every trial as pathway toward victory in You. Amen. 

Reflect

Think about the thing you love most, that if you were to lose it, your faith might be challenged. Put that thing in the hand of God. Ask Him to help you hold it. 

Have you ever experienced a time in your life where you felt like it all came crashing down at once? Did you remain faithful and steadfast? Explain. 

What would it look like if God truly made space for the things we wish to cultivate? Would we welcome those changes? 

Look at James 1:2-4. Would you consider yourself perfect? Complete? Do you view your life as abundant or lacking? Take inventory of your thoughts and write down your honest assessment. 

Do Something

I love this definition.

cultivate: to grow or raise (something) under conditions that you can control. 

• Make a list of things that you wish to grow in the new year. Then, make a list of things that have been getting in the way of that change. NOW, circle the things within that list that you can control. Underline the things that you cannot control. 
• Look at this list you've marked up. How can you utilize the controlled conditions to grow new things this year? The things out of your control? That becomes part of your daily prayer list. Pray over those things and surrender them to the Lord. See what changes happen when you do! 
• Print out a picture of a flower or use an actual vase of flowers and put this list of things you wish to cultivate next to it. This way you can be mindful of these things as you go throughout your day. 

Further Reading

Read Matthew 7: 24-27 and ask yourself "What areas in my life am I building on sand instead of rock?" Make a list and share it with your family. 

Cultivate: A Grace-Filled Guide to Growing an Intentional Life by Lara Casey

Listen

Promises- Tribl feat. Joe L Barnes and Naomi Rae 

Bet All I Have/ Solid Rock- Mission House 

God I Look to You- Bethel feat Jenn Johnson

Dissapointed: Learning to Say His Name

                *As always, you can listen to this blog and content on the See Good Things Podcast

She bent over her son’s crib, fighting back tears and exhausted from having to redirect his strong-willed nature once again. It was only 12:30 in the afternoon but it felt like the sun could set at any moment. Her whole existence seemed to be wrapped up in keeping him out of harm's way. Evenings were often occupied with thoughts about him growing up and she feared that she’d never be able to understand how to best love him. He was fast approaching his second birthday and still hadn’t said her name. He hadn’t said any words, really. Nothing consistently, anyway. She worried about his well-being, his development, and the delays she was seeing. Her heart longed to connect to her baby boy who'd roughed himself into a rip-roaring toddler. 

He was strong as an ox, riding around on balance bikes, and climbing out of his crib like a champ. While incredibly delightful and zany, he had an undeniably quick-temper. Most days, there was a "story" to tell, that ended with some sort of bruise or abrasion. When he’d exhausted all other options and finally calmed down from crying, he’d walk over and stumble headfirst into her lap. Still, the one thing she desired most was to hear him say her name, Momma, but he wouldn't say it. 

It was at this moment, riddled with worry, that this young mother realized the source of her exhaustion wasn’t fatigue.

It was disappointment. 

In that confession, the fight for control was suddenly over. Tears flooded her eyes and down the sides of her face. She wiped her cheek with the sleeve of her sweatshirt and whispered “So, this is what it feels like to be You, Father.” 

Friend, are you in a season of disappointment? Are things not working out the way that you intended them to be? Are people not living up to your expectations of them? Do you feel lost and disconnected in some way? 

We have all been there. Wishing things were different and not understanding the season that we’re in. My reminder to you this week is that you have a Father that longs for you to look up and say His name. He differs from this young mother in that He knows the plans He has for you. He knows the season that you’re in and where you’re headed. He’s not worried about you and He’s not disappointed in You. He’s ready and waiting for you. The young mother will be incredibly grateful when her son finally says “Momma” and a new level of connection can occur- but she will be most benefited by reconnecting to her Father in Heaven and remembering how to say His name. 

I should know. 

Because I am her.

Pray

God cares about the things we care about. I tell this to my daughter all of the time and we pray it often as we give thanks to God for things He has done. I want to pray this over anyone reading my thoughts today. Wherever it may find you. I hope it becomes a staple prayer for you as well.

Lord, you care about the things that we care about. Even the little things. The things that upset us and hurt our hearts. You love us and you care about those things. Help us to see the ways in which you are holding us and healing us even in the little things. You are a Good God. Amen

Reflect

Take time to write your responses down.

1. Are you in a season of disappointment? How so?

2. So you feel disconnected in some way? Explain.

3. Do you find yourself putting more expectations on yourself or on others? Why do you think that is?

Do Something

• Think of someone in your community or church body that is going through a time of difficulty. How could you help? Send a not of encouragement? Give a gift card or bring over a meal? Reach out and lighten someone's load today. Do it all in the name of Jesus, and remind them to say His name in their time of worry and disappointment:) 
• Find a Psalm to pray over your week. Most of the Psalms are honest, vulnerable, and authentic in their reach and pursuit of the Father. Be held by them. 

Further Reading

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121: 4-6

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why the unease within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 43: 5

Why Would God Allow My Disappointment?- Desiring God Ministries

Listen

This week, let's try and listen to actual scripture being sung over us. The two songs below contain lyrics taken directly out of the text from Psalm 43. Happy listening! 

Send Out Your Light by Sandra McCracken 

I Am Satisfied In You by The Sing Team 

*This Blog was originally written on  November 18, 2021

God and the Goodie Bag

Halloween Night. 1996. We’re walking back to the car, headed home from our third Trick or Treating excursion. This last round, we hit up the “rich side” of town. That’s where the good stuff is. I’m dragging, my costume is sagging at the waist, makeup smeared into my eyes and mouth, and my whole body longs for my Space Jam comforter and warm bed. 

I look over at my baby sister’s trick or treat bucket and see that she’s got a box of Dots. Heyyyyyyy, I think to myself, that’s not fair. I didn’t get any! I quickly strike up a trade but she’s not having it. She’s tired and I’m relentless. We end up fighting in the back seat of the car and my mom turns around and utters the worst phrase known to man. 

That’s it! You’re not getting any candy! 

Oh man, you guys. I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident, but the truth is- I just picked a year. This kind of thing took place more often than not. Something like ‘94, ‘95, ‘96, and on up to the early 2000’s. It was a coin toss to see which one of us would strike first. I wish I could say these patterns of behavior are long behind me, but they’re not. From time to time, I’m still the same selfish little 8 year old I was back then. Looking in someone else’s goodie bag and wishing I had what they had. 

Later on, when we were “ungrounded”, we got a chance to try again. This time, digging deeper into our goodie bags to find a ton of things we don’t even recall getting! We would then be so pleased with our individual take that we didn’t mind pouring it all out on the floor and sharing, trading, or just giving each other pieces we didn’t care for. We were kinder to one another and more gentle having seen the full contents of our bounty. 

You see where I’m going with this, dontcha? 

Yes! Our God is the sweetest and most generous giver. My friends, we are just scratching the surface of all He has in store for us. We look at our neighbor’s well manicured lawn and wish we had “greener grass”, more time, and better resources but we don’t realize that inside our own life, God has stored up a wealth of riches that we’ve yet to discover because we aren’t digging deep enough! We envy what others seem to have in their bag without even taking a look inside our own. 

When I’m wise enough to dig into the word of the Lord, and gaze upon the goodness of His grace, I have a perspective that goes beyond what I thought I was entitled to. I’m no longer fighting for what I don’t have. I’m rejoicing and praising God for what He’s blessed me with. My thoughts turn toward heaven and my soul shouts Whoa! Look at what the Lord has done! I’m more eager to share with others and give myself freely to those who are in need of something I may possess. I can look at someone’s blessing and be encouraged by God’s provision in their life rather than harbor jealousy that He’s not doing the same thing for me. 

Ok. One more thing, and I’ll let you get to trick or treating. 

Every year, my mom ended up with all the Whoppers. I can’t stand them. While we rummaged through our pile, she’d bend down and say, “hey give ‘em here; I’ll take those.” I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she liked them. 

Sometimes God gives us things in our bag that we don’t really care for. Probably something we’re pretty insecure about. A shy personality, a procrastinating nature, a thick and tangled head of hair, or a quirkiness that no one can pinpoint. When we are in a family of believers, someone will kneel down beside you, embrace your insecurities, and say “I’ll take those. I love those.” And it is SO nice to be loved in that way. Just how Jesus intended. 

So let’s spread out our bounty this Halloween Day! Let’s dig deep into our bags and see allllllll that the Great Giver has provided so that we may be in the sweet spirit of sharing and proclaiming good things over one another. 

Love, Kari 

Here are a few more of my costumes over the years. Just for fun:)

I'm the second little one on the left. I think I may have been Cotton Candy? Or a Carebear.....

This was for a science class in college. I was "Gamma Ray".

College again. Cereal Killer. Get it?

This Is What You Asked For

The pajamas were on. It was 6:30….pm. I observed my children from the comfort of the front porch stoop. It felt nice to sit down for a change. I had survived another “Monday”, and was feeling less than thankful. Griffin and Cola flew past me in the front yard, riding on their green Powerwheels dune buggy. I smiled. They are so gosh darn cute, I thought. A little crazy though, very very hard to handle sometimes, and…. Suddenly I felt the Lord tell me “This is what you asked for.” 

Refocusing on my little ones, I considered the times I cried out to God to help me become a mother, years before Cola was born. I laughed, remembering when I wrote in my journal, “Lord, I know I’m supposed to just ask for a healthy baby, and I don’t want to overstep here, but could it please be a boy?” Now that they’re both here, I feel submerged at times. Drowning in “mom guilt”, feeling like I don’t prioritize them enough. 

I thought about different areas of service to friends, family, my job, and other commitments. I keep saying yes to things, knowing full well that once again, I’ll end up in this same posture.  I hate how I keep doing this, I thought. I sat there feeling bad about booking myself ‘til kingdom come. Conflicted and discontent. Again, the Lord spoke to my heart- This is what you asked for. 

To have a full life with a big friends group. To volunteer where my heart felt led, while staying active with and attentive to my kids. To engage in late night conversations with my spouse, make an effort to visit to see family, and to cook more meals at home. 

So many things, I asked for. So many things to juggle. 

I spent the rest of the evening looking out for these “answered prayers”. What were the “big asks” in my life? Did those gifts from the Lord cause gratitude or grievance to flow from my heart?

Last year, about this time, I wrote about being burdened by our blessings. What if, in reality- God never meant for us to be overwhelmed? What if we’re the ones who asked for more and then ran off without asking for His help? 

Here’s my confession, church. I often think that I’m forsaken. I recognize all that He’s done for me, but I forget that He still holds it all. When I don’t know how to manage it, I feel like I’m letting Him down. Like I’m not trustworthy with what He’s given me. Then I run myself ragged trying to keep up with the weight of that burden. Feeling like He’s left me to fend for myself. It’s a lie straight from Satan- to think that you’re left to do it on your own. Jesus even said “I am with you always, to the ends of the earth.” (Matthew 28:20) 

God told Moses, “I will be with you.” 

He reminded Joshua, “Wherever you go, I go.” 

Through Isaiah He called to Israel saying, “I will feed you, carry you in My arms, gently lead you, and hold you close to My heart.” (Isaiah 40:11)

David declared, “God does not abandon His people; His heritage. He holds my right hand and guides me with His counsel. Whom have I but Him?” (Psalm 94:14, 73:23-25)

God doesn’t “help those that help themselves”. God helps those who turn to Him and ask. for. help. It’s time I take inventory of the answered prayers in my life. May I approach each one with a new understanding that the Lord of All is in the business of redeeming my feeble attempt at controlling it all. 

Maybe then, the conversation with my Heavenly Father will look more like this: 

This is what you asked for. 

        Ok Lord, now show me how it works. 

Lord, I haven’t a clue. I’m grateful, but I’m buried in these blessings. Show me how You intend to use the things You’ve given me. What would you have me say to this friend? When should I approach this issue at work? Where do I invest my time and finances? How would you have me show grace to my children? And in the name of all that is holy, how am I supposed to relate to this man you so graciously gave me?  

I know I asked for it all. And I thank You for every ounce of it.  Please show me how it works. 

That’s my prayer for us this time around. That we would be open to seeing our answered prayers, recalling where they came from, and bringing our generous God back into frame so we can better picture His plan for us. There’s no shame in needing a never-changing God to direct us in this ever-changing heap of blessings. 

Kari