Refocusing on my little ones, I considered the times I cried out to God to help me become a mother, years before Cola was born. I laughed, remembering when I wrote in my journal, “Lord, I know I’m supposed to just ask for a healthy baby, and I don’t want to overstep here, but could it please be a boy?” Now that they’re both here, I feel submerged at times. Drowning in “mom guilt”, feeling like I don’t prioritize them enough.
I thought about different areas of service to friends, family, my job, and other commitments. I keep saying yes to things, knowing full well that once again, I’ll end up in this same posture. I hate how I keep doing this, I thought. I sat there feeling bad about booking myself ‘til kingdom come. Conflicted and discontent. Again, the Lord spoke to my heart- This is what you asked for.
To have a full life with a big friends group. To volunteer where my heart felt led, while staying active with and attentive to my kids. To engage in late night conversations with my spouse, make an effort to visit to see family, and to cook more meals at home.
So many things, I asked for. So many things to juggle.
I spent the rest of the evening looking out for these “answered prayers”. What were the “big asks” in my life? Did those gifts from the Lord cause gratitude or grievance to flow from my heart?
Last year, about this time, I wrote about being burdened by our blessings. What if, in reality- God never meant for us to be overwhelmed? What if we’re the ones who asked for more and then ran off without asking for His help?
Here’s my confession, church. I often think that I’m forsaken. I recognize all that He’s done for me, but I forget that He still holds it all. When I don’t know how to manage it, I feel like I’m letting Him down. Like I’m not trustworthy with what He’s given me. Then I run myself ragged trying to keep up with the weight of that burden. Feeling like He’s left me to fend for myself. It’s a lie straight from Satan- to think that you’re left to do it on your own. Jesus even said “I am with you always, to the ends of the earth.” (Matthew 28:20)
God told Moses, “I will be with you.”
He reminded Joshua, “Wherever you go, I go.”
Through Isaiah He called to Israel saying, “I will feed you, carry you in My arms, gently lead you, and hold you close to My heart.” (Isaiah 40:11)
David declared, “God does not abandon His people; His heritage. He holds my right hand and guides me with His counsel. Whom have I but Him?” (Psalm 94:14, 73:23-25)
God doesn’t “help those that help themselves”. God helps those who turn to Him and ask. for. help. It’s time I take inventory of the answered prayers in my life. May I approach each one with a new understanding that the Lord of All is in the business of redeeming my feeble attempt at controlling it all.
Maybe then, the conversation with my Heavenly Father will look more like this:
This is what you asked for.
Ok Lord, now show me how it works.
Lord, I haven’t a clue. I’m grateful, but I’m buried in these blessings. Show me how You intend to use the things You’ve given me. What would you have me say to this friend? When should I approach this issue at work? Where do I invest my time and finances? How would you have me show grace to my children? And in the name of all that is holy, how am I supposed to relate to this man you so graciously gave me?
I know I asked for it all. And I thank You for every ounce of it. Please show me how it works.
That’s my prayer for us this time around. That we would be open to seeing our answered prayers, recalling where they came from, and bringing our generous God back into frame so we can better picture His plan for us. There’s no shame in needing a never-changing God to direct us in this ever-changing heap of blessings.
Kari
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