Those middle school years are tough as it is without the pressure to succeed in everything. The only thing I was ever completely confident in was my ability to make other people laugh. I often felt like I was letting everyone down by not being the person they felt I should be by now. The tomboy stage wasn’t something that I was growing out of and it was starting to become an issue for everyone. Especially me. This might have been one of the first times in my life that I felt shame for being who I was.
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There was a song out last year called “Fear is a Liar”.. Fear itself has been a hot topic recently and it’s shown itself in a multitude of popular song lyrics. If Fear is a liar, then Shame is a bully. Shame has a way of pointing the blame of failure onto something deep within us. Something we have little or no control over. Bullies don’t poke fun at the things you can help. They humiliate you for the aspects of your personality or circumstances beyond your control or reach. I read an article that separated shame from guilt by saying “It’s the difference between making a mistake and believing we are a mistake.”
I wish I could say that “I learned this lesson with age” or “as I matured into the godly woman you see before you today.” But that would be a big load of bull. I actually learned it through a long line of mistakes. One of which was made today. With my sweet little three year old.
Colette has been having accidents again. Having been fully potty-trained at 28 months, this has been a difficult phase to say the least. There seems to be a correlation between no-nap days and accident days. Today was a no nap day since she slept in until 9am. Thus, three separate accidents ensued. With each accident came further disappointment on my part and with further disappointment came shame. I tried not to reveal my frustrations to her, but she’s a smart kid. She knows when Mommy is upset. As soon as the consequence was revealed, she had a complete meltdown and I couldn’t get her to snap out of it. I just needed her to wash off in the shower. All she could feel was that I was upset. All she felt was shame and anger towards herself. It took a full hour between announcing the consequence to her calming down and returning to normal.
Talking to my friend about it later, she pointed out that when we feel shame, “It’s like our physical being shuts down and we can’t accept spiritual guidance.” That makes sense to me considering the fact that we are the creation of God. Our entire being is His. When we don’t allow Him to be a part of our human suffering, we forfeit the freedom that comes from His supernatural healing. We’re trapped in the notion that we no longer belong to Him, and that’s what shame does. It makes us hyper-focus on what we’re doing wrong and it neglects the idea that we are made right in the eyes of God.
After Colette finally got out of the shower, I held her up to the mirror and said the words we’ve spoken over her ever since she was a baby. Who’s the most beautiful girl in the world? Normally, she would say “ME!” with a smile the size of Texas. Instead, she said nothing.
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How many times have we also said nothing when God tells us “You are my most beautiful creation” ? How many times has shamed robbed us of that belief? It’s a heavy feeling- to feel like nothing.
Colette not only didn’t answer me when I held her up to the mirror, she turned her face completely away.
It was then that I lifted her head off my shoulder and looked into her red-ringed eyes. I told her “YOU are the most beautiful girl in the world. It doesn’t matter what you do or how upset you get. You are beautiful to me, baby. I will never think that you aren’t beautiful. I love you so much” Just like that, faith was restored. She went on to be the happy little girl we know and love. Just needed to know that I wasn’t going to leave her or change the way I felt about her.
Let's look back at the 13 year old who stood in her kitchen waiting for a handsome friend to take her to her first homecoming. She didn’t feel excitement. Most certainly didn’t feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. They didn’t have the time of their lives at the hometown football game. She ruined the night for everyone because she couldn’t get past her own insecurities and that lingering feeling of shame. What a disappointment she was. At least, that’s how she remembers it. It didn’t matter that people told her she was beautiful. She couldn’t get past the disappointment she had for herself. Like mother, like daughter, huh?
Today, I have a husband ( a handsome one at that!), and two beautiful children. I’ve since had braces and other than the occasional zit, I’d say my face and hair are pretty great! I would consider myself to be a feminine woman though the tomboy in me is still very proudly intact. I didn’t get here by shaming myself to be better. I got here because of the warmth and love of people providing grace where they didn’t understand and setting godly examples for me to follow. The only thing shame has ever done for me is slow my growth, rob me of my potential, and cause me to shut myself off from the people that I love.
Seeing my daughter struggle with it this afternoon reminded me that God wants nothing more than to take that pain away from us. Don’t let the bully win. There are things about us that we will always find disappointing. Lucky for us, we don’t have a Father that seeks to humiliate us. He wants to hold us up to His face and say “YOU are my most beautiful creation.” Let your idiosyncrasies humble you, not decapitate you. Let your shortcomings motivate you, not shame you. Let the God of Heaven continue to create in you a clean heart that’s kind to itself. You big, beautiful creation, you.
Be sure to listen to Be Kind to Yourself by Andrew Peterson before diving into the Reflection portion of this week’s devotional.
Reflect
- Where does shame come from?
- What parts of yourself are you ashamed of? What’s the origin of these thoughts?
- What compliments have people tried to give you over the years that you’re refusing to accept? How has shame gotten in the way of receiving these words?
- Shame is a bully. Our greatest enemy, at times, is ourselves. How do these two songs reflect that?
Be Kind to Yourself by Andrew Peterson
How does it end when the war that you're in
Is just you against you against you
Gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies too
You can't expect to be perfect
It's a fight you've gotta forfeit
You belong to me whatever you do
So lay down your weapon, darling
Take a deep breath and believe that I love you
Be kind to yourself
Psalm 18:16-19- King David
'He sent from on high, he took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me. '
Further Reading
Romans 8:15-16 Because of the Holy Spirit at work in us, we can be free from fear and shame!
Luke 12:6-7 We are a valued part of God’s creation
Luke 3:21-22 The Baptism of Jesus. God says “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.” If we are baptized in Christ, (Galatians 2:20) then He dwells within us and God sees us as His beloved, with whom He is well pleased. It transfers to us.
John 3:16-17 God’s love and presence in the world is meant to save us, not shame us. Punishment is not meant to shame us, but to grow us in His love.
Hebrews 12:1-2 He took the weight of our sin and shame on the cross so that we might have JOY!
Psalm 37:23-24 God holds us up because He delights in us.
How The Holy Spirit Delivers You From Shame by Sam Storms (a great read) https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/how-the-holy-spirit-delivers-you-from-shame.html
Three Ways God Deals with Your Shame by Audrey Hoeppner
(she talks about God’s covering over us)
Do Something
I have chosen to challenge you to DO NOTHING this week. We often try to cover our shame with works and we try to “make up” for our sins. Instead, I challenge you to rest in God’s words listed above. Read and meditate on His goodness. That’s all He asks of us- to love Him, to love others, and to love ourselves. We can’t love others if we’re harboring shame for ourselves. If you’re going to Do Something this week- work on letting go and learning to be kind to yourself :)
While you're not doing anything, head over to my podcast and listen to a conversation I had with some dear friends on the subject of shame and it's presence in our lives. I know it will bless you!
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