The only time I ever came to truly hate an animal was when I walked through the front door of my apartment to find a VHS recording of my First Birthday ripped to shreds.
You would have thought that someone had died. For me, it absolutely felt that way. That video held a place in time that I could never get back. It held images of a single mother wearing stone-washed jeans, licking icing in the kitchen. It held laughter from family members past as I tried to climb atop a metal folding chair. It held the faces of my cousins, magnified by bubbles blown by Aunt Nancy. All that’s gone now.
Since the very beginning, birthdays in my family were a BIG DEAL. We celebrated birthdays just as we celebrated Christmas or Easter. Everyone showed up, brought food, played dominoes, ate noodle salad, and stayed all day. You got so many “I love you”s and sloppy kisses from aunts, noogies from uncles, and you soon became the envy of all the cousins with your new toys. It was a day in which you realized how much of a gift you were to the world.
This week, as I was preparing to write this devotional, I flipped back through that baby book. I couldn't help but wonder What was God thinking? … No- not in the way that I question the value of my life or think my existence is meaningless. More in a way of earnestly asking God, show me what You were thinking because I want to get it right. What was He thinking when placing me in 1988? In letting my Mom struggle to put bows in my hair only to see me get grass stains on my jeans? In having me become an adult in the days of online everything and our phones becoming our lives? In giving my dad the headache of a kid who would take 8 years to finish college? In giving me to two people that wouldn’t end up staying together? What were You thinking?
And this is where I stopped.
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I couldn’t really continue writing. Everything I wrote seemed to be this jumble of thoughts and I’d write paragraph after paragraph, then move it to the end of the page or delete it. So much of my questioning needed to get out, but it wasn’t meant for everyone. It was a deeply personal conversation between God and I. So, although I had millions of thoughts, I hit a major block. All this time I’ve been taught that on my birthday, I am to be celebrated as being a gift to the world. Yet, having read my baby book and knowing what I know about the first 10 months of my life- it didn’t seem like a gift. It seemed like bad timing. It seemed like a mistake.
So I stepped back, shut down the computer, shifted my focus, prayed, and slept on it. Sooner or later, through all that processing, this is what came to understand. Even though I’ve been birthdaying it up for over 3 decades- I’m completely missing the point of my birth.
The verse that comes to mind for every birth of a child is that we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made” in His image, “knit together in our mother’s womb”. (Psalm 139:14) But birthdays aren’t just about the beginning of life. They go beyond that moment into the steps we take after. Beyond the knitting and into the sowing.
His creation of me was not the end of me. I am not a rock. Even if I were- not all rocks stay put. Some drift off with a mudslide or river stream, some are taken home in the pockets of small children, and some are sent rolling down jagged mountain sides. There are moving forces at work every day of our lives.I am a living and breathing human being that makes decisions and mistakes and starts over and over, again and again every day.
All this Why am I here? What’s my purpose? It’s fruitless because it's still about ME. God has big plans but I’m getting too specific. We’re all here for the same reasons. We’re all here to do the same things. The way we do it may be different but that’s in our personality, our environment, and “who” God made us to be. Not “what” He brought us to do. God calls us all to the same cause. We may serve that cause in different locations and through varying vocations- but the cause should be the same. To live our lives for Him and to love others in service of Him.
At my birth, when my mom looked at me, I’m sure she thought, thank God I have you. It’s the same way I felt when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time. Yet, when I look at Cola today, I slowly start to unearth the truth that she’s not here for me. I’m going to leave this earth before her, God-willing, so her purpose can’t be solely for my enjoyment. She’s here for the same reasons I am. To better God’s kingdom and to advance God’s love to others. That is her purpose. That is what her life should be spent doing.
It’s my birthday on Monday, I’ve been given another year- is this what I’m doing with my life? How did I honor God with the year I was just given? How can I honor God best with this coming year? The only way I can do that is by first realizing that it's not about me. It’s never been about me. I was not put on this earth for my mother or my father. Nor for my children or husband. I’m here for God’s glory and whomever that benefits- all the more praise goes back up to Him! It’s a giant Web of Worship, when we serve one another, acknowledging both the gift that we are and all we have been given .
The gift my family gave me was to value myself and know that I’m delighted in. This is biblical. Your love for yourself and seeing yourself as a gift to the world, is true. “He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.”- Psalm 18:19 Still, everything I love about myself is of God. If I’m going to celebrate anyone- it’s my Creator. To know my purpose, to know myself, is to know Him more. The passion in my heart is no longer screaming I need to be recognized! It’s now, God be glorified! That would be the gift becoming the giver. A knitted child sowing back into the world. That’s what I’ve been missing!
What was He thinking when giving me to a soon to be single mother and father? I will be glorified through the union they shared.
What was He thinking in putting me in a time where my mother would be at her lowest? She will be strengthened by her increased need for Me.
Why create me knowing I'd have so many questions? To draw you nearer to Me.
So many of us have questions about who we are, where we come from, and why we’re here. I pray that you can rest in the simplicity of the task. You are here to be loved and to love others. The moment we are born, God is moving us forward and drawing us nearer to Him. Live each moment, each day, each year for His name to be glorified:)
Pray
Every breath that I draw is from Your chest. Every blessing I’ve been given is by your hand. Father, help me to give more than I receive. That which You’ve blessed me with, may it be multiplied and scattered throughout the remaining days of my life. May the generations that follow me know Your name because of my name. Thank You for my birth. Thank you for the time You’ve placed me in. Thank You for the heart You’ve given me and the path You’ve set me on. May You be glorified in all that I do. Amen.
Reflect
1. How have you celebrated your birthdays in the past and what does that say about how you value your life?
2. What has God given You that you may not yet be sharing with others? How can you begin to honor your birth and utilize His gifts in your life?
3. What are some questions you have about your upbringing, your origin, or your path? Have you asked God these questions? Why or why not?
4. What makes someone’s life “well spent?”
Do Something
- Perhaps you have a friend who’s birthday is coming up. Send a card to them and inside the card, list all the ways that you have seen God use them in your life and the lives of others.
- Write down all the days of the week. (Mon-Sun) Write down one thing you love about yourself for each day of the week. Thank God for each of these things during your week. He put them inside you for a reason! Ask Him to show you how best to utilize this part of yourself for His glory.
Further Reading
- Read through the following verses as it pertains to your birth and God establishing your life on this earth. (My interpretation may not be yours. They are meant to encourage you to read these scriptures for yourself)
- Lamentations 3:22-23 I may have been placed the world, but I am not consumed by it. I belong to God every morning I wake up. I start fresh in Him every day.
- Psalm 91:11 and Joshua 1:9 Whatever I need in this life, God is ready and willing to help.
- Numbers 6:24-26 God blesses me, keeps me, and shines His face toward me. He is excited that I am here!
- Proverbs 9:11 He will add years to my life in order to bring glory to His name!
- Ephesians 2:10 We are a work in progress, but we have been made by the hands of a Master Craftsman who has a plan.
- Psalm 90:12 Our days are numbered, and we are wise to ask God how best to spend them.
Why Birthdays Should Be Celebrated: A Christian Perspective by Margaret Minnicks
Listen
I Give You My Heart- Bethel Worship
Teach Me to Know- The Lone Bellow
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